I don't know how obvious it is, but I'm unhappy with my life. I'm not looking for pity, or pick-me-ups. It's a simple fact. My life hasn't turned out nearly what I'd hoped for myself. Sure, most people's don't, but I took steps for years to prevent this from happening to me... And it did anyway. When I met who is supposed to become my ex (if he ever signs the gd papers he already has) I told him I didn't want to have kids until I was married. He said, "let's get married right away then, but let's go ahead and try for a baby." And I bought it. I had always been so intentionally careful NOT to have a baby before marriage, and I had only had a single pregnancy scare before then (turned out I'd forgotten I'd misplaced my BC pills the week before and had a surprise period...) But all of a sudden this guy comes along and promises me a happy family, and to take care of me and love me forever... Of course I bought it. I'd been floating through life, working 60 hour weeks. Before I met my stb-x, I'd "dated" the Canadian for a YEAR. On the internet. Never even met him. So suffice it to say, I was lonely.
But now, now I am even more lonely than I ever was. Because now I have all this extra baggage, and it appears no one is interested. Ex is in no rush to sign the divorce papers, and I can't fathom why. It's not like he wants to stay married. He didn't even call his son on this birthday in September. He doesn't contact us at all, and has visited our son 3 times since I left in 2008. So why won't he sign? The fact that I am still married caused the ONE boyfriend I've had to dump me without even sticking around to find out the details. He claimed I lied to him about it, but I really did tell him, many times. I guess he just wasn't listening. Whatever. But besides him, I can't even seem to get a date. I got stood up just last week. The only reason I can think of is that I wanted to meet the new guy at a new Celtic bar/grill that just opened up. I am an adult, and I enjoy the bar scene. I don't drink more than 3 beers, max, and I only go once or twice a month, if that. I don't think it's a big deal. I'm a big girl now. But I guess he got spooked that it was a bar. Oh well.
The reason I'm writing this blog is because I met a guy in July. This guy is amazing. He has flaws, just like I do of course. He isn't perfect. But from the moment we met, there was this instant spark... Connection. There was no uncomfortable silence. I didn't feel like I needed to suck it in or be coy or anything like you assume you should do on first dates. We laughed basically the entire date. We saw each other 6 out of 8 days. Probably spent 25 hours together. That is an incredible number considering I don't see anyone but the sitter and my mom on a day to day. He came over to my house, I went over there after work... We just couldn't get enough of each other. And then we finally had a moment alone from the kids, and I had to tell him something about myself. And he freaked. He said he just didn't know if he could date someone like me. A week later I got the message, and the answer was "Sorry, but I can't." So that was over before it even truly began.
The week we spent together, I'd actually started thinking about a future with him. He is 9 years older than me and has two older kids. I like his kids, his house is always clean, he takes care of his disabled grandmother... Perfect man for me in my situation. I haven't felt so important in years. Losing that before I even had a chance to enjoy it hit me like a brick. But I tried to put it behind me, like you do. Tried to just forget it ever happened. I mean, it was only a week right? It shouldn't affect me in such a way. So I've just been going about my life. Trying to find a date. Being a fat single mom who is still married to her ex. Needless to say, it hasn't really gone well. Recently I had the brilliant idea to ask one of my friends out. After some debate, he said no. I can't even get a date with someone I've known since 2002.
So last week. I put a new picture up on the dating site I use. The next day I get a text from the perfect guy, I'll call him PG, saying I look amazing and we should hang out. So of course I'm wondering what kind of hanging out he wants to do. Does he want to try a relationship now? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? I just don't know. We hung out and watched the A Team two days ago. Totally platonic. When I was leaving, he gave me a hug and said we should do this again. I said yes, of course... And no contact since. Am I wasting my time? I feel like nothing could hurt my feelings more than simply being allowed to spent time with PG but it never being allowed to go beyond that. But I don't want to tell him that right now because what if he's just trying to work his way up to it? What I told him on day 8 was a big deal. Maybe it just took him 3 months to work his way through it. I am terrible in wait-and-see situations, I have such little patience. I am so lonely. I feel like the kid and I are just going to be alone forever. It is a terrible feeling.
