Life is so freakin' great

I don't know how obvious it is, but I'm unhappy with my life. I'm not looking for pity, or pick-me-ups. It's a simple fact. My life hasn't turned out nearly what I'd hoped for myself. Sure, most people's don't, but I took steps for years to prevent this from happening to me... And it did anyway. When I met who is supposed to become my ex (if he ever signs the gd papers he already has) I told him I didn't want to have kids until I was married. He said, "let's get married right away then, but let's go ahead and try for a baby." And I bought it. I had always been so intentionally careful NOT to have a baby before marriage, and I had only had a single pregnancy scare before then (turned out I'd forgotten I'd misplaced my BC pills the week before and had a surprise period...) But all of a sudden this guy comes along and promises me a happy family, and to take care of me and love me forever... Of course I bought it. I'd been floating through life, working 60 hour weeks. Before I met my stb-x, I'd "dated" the Canadian for a YEAR. On the internet. Never even met him. So suffice it to say, I was lonely.

But now, now I am even more lonely than I ever was. Because now I have all this extra baggage, and it appears no one is interested. Ex is in no rush to sign the divorce papers, and I can't fathom why. It's not like he wants to stay married. He didn't even call his son on this birthday in September. He doesn't contact us at all, and has visited our son 3 times since I left in 2008. So why won't he sign? The fact that I am still married caused the ONE boyfriend I've had to dump me without even sticking around to find out the details. He claimed I lied to him about it, but I really did tell him, many times. I guess he just wasn't listening. Whatever. But besides him, I can't even seem to get a date. I got stood up just last week. The only reason I can think of is that I wanted to meet the new guy at a new Celtic bar/grill that just opened up. I am an adult, and I enjoy the bar scene. I don't drink more than 3 beers, max, and I only go once or twice a month, if that. I don't think it's a big deal. I'm a big girl now. But I guess he got spooked that it was a bar. Oh well.

The reason I'm writing this blog is because I met a guy in July. This guy is amazing. He has flaws, just like I do of course. He isn't perfect. But from the moment we met, there was this instant spark... Connection. There was no uncomfortable silence. I didn't feel like I needed to suck it in or be coy or anything like you assume you should do on first dates. We laughed basically the entire date. We saw each other 6 out of 8 days. Probably spent 25 hours together. That is an incredible number considering I don't see anyone but the sitter and my mom on a day to day. He came over to my house, I went over there after work... We just couldn't get enough of each other. And then we finally had a moment alone from the kids, and I had to tell him something about myself. And he freaked. He said he just didn't know if he could date someone like me. A week later I got the message, and the answer was "Sorry, but I can't." So that was over before it even truly began.

The week we spent together, I'd actually started thinking about a future with him. He is 9 years older than me and has two older kids. I like his kids, his house is always clean, he takes care of his disabled grandmother... Perfect man for me in my situation. I haven't felt so important in years. Losing that before I even had a chance to enjoy it hit me like a brick. But I tried to put it behind me, like you do. Tried to just forget it ever happened. I mean, it was only a week right? It shouldn't affect me in such a way. So I've just been going about my life. Trying to find a date. Being a fat single mom who is still married to her ex. Needless to say, it hasn't really gone well. Recently I had the brilliant idea to ask one of my friends out. After some debate, he said no. I can't even get a date with someone I've known since 2002.

So last week. I put a new picture up on the dating site I use. The next day I get a text from the perfect guy, I'll call him PG, saying I look amazing and we should hang out. So of course I'm wondering what kind of hanging out he wants to do. Does he want to try a relationship now? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? I just don't know. We hung out and watched the A Team two days ago. Totally platonic. When I was leaving, he gave me a hug and said we should do this again. I said yes, of course... And no contact since. Am I wasting my time? I feel like nothing could hurt my feelings more than simply being allowed to spent time with PG but it never being allowed to go beyond that. But I don't want to tell him that right now because what if he's just trying to work his way up to it? What I told him on day 8 was a big deal. Maybe it just took him 3 months to work his way through it. I am terrible in wait-and-see situations, I have such little patience. I am so lonely. I feel like the kid and I are just going to be alone forever. It is a terrible feeling.

I'm an asshole.

Apparently I am an asshole. I have been for a while, I know. The difference between now and this time last year, however, is that I'm actually trying not to be anymore. Ashley, I know you're the only one reading this and I am thankful because you've always been a good listener. Today is Tammy's birthday. I wrote on her wall, "happy birthday, everyone is older than me, it's kinda nice." And Angela commented back, "way to be an asshole Leanne. That's not nice, you're supposed to be nice on people's birthdays." . . . My birthday is in June, in June I will be exactly the same age as everyone else... Tammy clicked "like" on Angela's comment. I just feel like they've been ganging up on me for months. A few months ago Tammy told me I have no tact and am jerky to everyone and ever since then she and Angela have been basically snipping at me every chance they get. I don't know what to do. I have stopped retaliating in any way on the internet, whether it's those two or anyone else. My Aussie friend yelled at me earlier this week for getting drive thru and there were so many comments I could have made but I simply pretended like I'd never seen her post. I don't know who they want me to be. No one seems to like me anymore and whenever I bring it up all the blame falls on me. I feel like I'm stuck in 11th grade hell again where they're picking fucking Dusty over me to spend time with. I like having the friends and half-friends that I do and all of my friends are centered around Angela and Tammy. There isn't a single person I enjoy time with that doesn't know them (excluding Rocky, he doesn't know anyone). So it's not like I can just cut them out of my life like I feel like I want to right now. That would be really dumb, it would limit any and all community activities, including float trips, bonfires AND Jeremy's coming home party... Which happens to be my birthday weekend. I just don't know what to do. I can't say anything because it always becomes my fault! It always rebounds back on me because I'm the jerk. :(

It's just so hurtful and impossible for me to resolve because I of course hurt everyone all the time. I thought my comment was funny, I never would have said it had I thought they'd take it like that. I am so tired of having to defend my words. Why can't I be the nice friend that everyone likes and sticks up for once in a while?

Best Friends.

I'm beginning to wonder why any female has a "best" friend. I really want to elaborate on this topic but I've run out of time again... arg! Big plans to write tonight but I don't get home from work until 12 so we shall see, perhaps tomorrow. This is a daunting task, finding 20 minutes to write!

Just...

This is an attempt to remind myself that I want to write a blog tomorrow. :) Hopefully I'll find the time to follow through.

It's late... I should be in bed. As usual.

I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. For years, anytime someone asked me that question, I would happily reply, "I want to write books!" This dream never really went anywhere. I claim I lost my creativity, but in reality I believe it was laziness that has kept me from writing for so long. This blog is an attempt to start writing again. I am not sure of my reasons why I always claimed I wanted to be a novelist. It may simply have been because grammar and literature classes were the classes i did the best in. I understand how to write, it comes naturally to me. I have probably forgotten many rules and regulations over the years involving writing, but I can learn them again.

I am going to be 27 this year, and I still don't want to go to college. I yearn for my old job where I felt productive everyday. I do enjoy my current job, but only in the summer do I feel that I have accomplished anything. The rest of the year I feel like a boat tied to a dock on a windy day. Just waiting for its purpose, trying hard as it can to get away, but trapped. I have considered going in for a horticulture degree, but I honestly don't like the heat enough to do that the rest of my life. I do enjoy the outdoors when it's not 9000 degrees outside, and though I spent many years avoiding it and everything about it, I love to garden! I am quite excited that my tulips and my daffodils are shooting into the air now. When I plant something like a bulb or seed and take care of it, it is a huge sense of accomplishment when I finally see that green bit poking out of the dirt.

While I am actually in the mood to write, I have to go to bed. Until next time.